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Sometimes you have to realize what you’re not

Well yesterday I attempted to rush informal, well I’ve rushed formal, informal is a little different. I’m not going to explain the details of either, but I realized that well people involved in Greek life can be nice, maybe their personalities don’t match well enough. Nothing against who they are, they were nice, but I think I am just not the bubbly kind of person. I do kind of tend to keep to myself (not in a creepy weirdo way), but in a way that I do not mind spending time with myself. I like who I am, and if someone cannot accept me for all my weirdness than what good is it?

Can I give up?

I know Christmas is coming up and I should be joyful, but my stress is overwhelming, definitely being on your own at 19 with no job and college to think about is literally nerve wrecking. In all honesty I have to figure out how to pay 2 months worth of phone bills, a speeding ticket, and how to buy books. There is nothing relaxing while that ticket is lingering in my life. Damn it, all I wanted to get to was the damn bathroom at the nearby rest stop… ugh beyond done with my life -_- 

A glimpse back into my first semester at college

I had no idea what my journey at college would be, but it’s definitely not what I anticipated. There were times I felt completely beaten down while there were times I felt uplifted. This experience has been like no other, I found things I really stood for, not what I said I stood for. I made a huge share of mistakes, some I wish I could take back, but no one understands what it’s like to be on your own at first when you’ve been so connected with your family. I have never been perfect, I’ll tell you that, but before college I was usually the goody goody, who did go a little rebellious at 18. However, I never dreamed I would compromise my own integrity to get a person who should have never matters approval. That is not like me, I am independent and make my own individual choices. I don’t let others define who I am, but I can tell you instances that I did. I know what I did affected more people than just myself, it probably affected people that I am unaware of. I never met to destroy someones feelings or trust in me, and while I got to know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of forgiveness, it is not an easy pill to swallow. The consequences continue to surround me. People who know the situation and are not directly involve villainize me, which is one thing that has never really happened to me. I’m not use to be the villain, I’m always the one who gets hurt, which has me question every bit of that decision. I wish that I could be a better person at times, especially that one defining moment. No one realizes how much it still hurts me. I look at myself with disgust and hate, but I was so lonely the first semester that no one could comphrend what I was going through. I will not justify what I did or give excuses, but my mindset was not in the right place, and people fail to understand that. While I probably don’t deserve full forgiveness, by saying I was forgiven it should be let go. 

While a few bad things happened this semester, a lot of good came out of it. I found out I can be independent. I also found out that there will be mistakes made and I must find ways to forgive myself. While others doubt me, I get to prove them wrong, especially those who do not know believe I deserve forgiveness. I know who I am and sometimes it takes straying a way to affirm who I actually am. While my search for who I am is not complete, I know what type of person I want to be and without that mistake I don’t think I could fully appreciate the people in my life, especially the person I have hurt. Although I don’t think there are enough apologizes in this world to prove to you that I will truly never do that again, I’m glad you’re still here despite the fact I messed up. 

Anxious

Currently I’m laying in bed at 2:30 am unable to sleep with a 8 am final… No matter what I am unable to fall asleep. I’m too excited to go home and get a break from school. I’m also more excited of the things I’ll do when I get back! All this anticipation makes it hard to sleep or study

Feeling a little low

I feel so alone that I cannot begin to describe it. Sometimes I don’t even know why I feel down. I have some friends here, but then sometimes it feels as if I have no one. The one thing I do know is why can I not improve my mood? I want to be happy and excited instead I’m just tired and depressed. This feeling is a constant up hill battle sometimes because I have to fight through it to feel better. In all honestly it may be partly because I’m freezing, I have a lot of homework, projects, and test, and I’m sick and tired. 

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